Getting on With Your Mother in Law

Your mother is often enough to handle, and now you get to deal with the in-law? Is she only trying to be helpful with the wedding planning, kind and friendly? Or is she coming across as bossy, interfering and overprotective/over opinionated?

But while some MIL's are the ban of some married couples' relationships, for a lucky number out there, they are a welcome addition, and most loved family member. We wanted to know how these relationships function and what really is the key to a great relationship with our MIL...

How Bad Can They Get?

You don't have to go far to hear a horror story about a MIL, whether it's after a couple of glasses of wine with the girls or anonymously in an online chat room. It's strange how so many fiancés and wives have their own harrowing experience. We found these two below that had us laughing but cringing at the same time!

"At our wedding, my mother-in-law asked me (the bride), and her other daughter-in-law and son-in-law to step out of the pictures so the photographer (who we were paying for) could take some pictures of 'her family'. So, there I was, the bride, standing on the side, watching her set up pictures of 'her family'. Her son-in-law told me to get used to it, as she does this at all occasions. Funnily enough, five years later I still can't get used to it!"

"My MIL started a trend on my birthday. She has started giving me gifts that are not really meant for me as much as they are geared for the day that she has a granddaughter! So far I've received a children's rag doll and a baby outfit with matching bib that says 'I love my grandma'. Although my husband and I will have children eventually, I'm beginning to feel so pressured, and like a baby-making machine!"

So What's the Science Behind This Age Old Conflict?

According to psychologists who have interviewed countless families regarding this subject, it seems that the key to having a great relationship with your MIL is to establish as early as possibly in the relationship that you both share a great love of one person (their offspring; your future husband).

One such psychologist and author of 'You Don't Really Know Me', Dr Terri Apter claims that it's the basic conflict between a wife's desire to be equal to her man, and a mother's need to put her child first that causes tension between the two women.

Dr Apter also discovered that when mother-in-laws came to stay, it can sometimes set their son's behaviour back 15 years. This could be really annoying when you're asking your other half to wash up, and your mother in law thinks he should put his feet up and relax!

Our Top Tips For Getting on Famously...

Thankfully it's not all doom and gloom, and there is such a thing as a great relationship with your MIL. The trick is to set ground rules as soon as possible and make sure that everyone sticks to them:

• When signing cards, from you and your other half, instead of scribbling the obligatory signature, why not write your own message and distinguish your own relationship with your in-laws, they have trusted you with their most prized possession after all!
• Find out what it is about her son or daughter that she is most proud of and use it as a common ground- don't forget, she's had a hand in how your wife/husband has turned out, so give her some credit for the good bits!
• Show a genuine interest in how she is and find out about her likes and dislikes before you have a chance to stumble across them in a later conversation and risk her taking an instant dislike to you!
• Try not to yawn when she gets out the family photo albums from the past 40 years and make sure you don't comment on any of her past hair do's or dodgy shoulder padded outfits from the 1980's -chances are she thought they were rather snazzy at the time...
• If you have the type of MIL who insists on coming round uninvited, instead of getting your other half to have a moan on your behalf, you should have a friendly word yourself and explain that while she is very welcome at your house, it would be nice if she could give you a quick call first to make sure you are free.
• On her birthday or at Christmas, instead of choosing a predictable present, why not really show her you actually listen to her hints through the year and buy something that will really mean something. This doesn't have to mean a grand expansive gesture, perhaps something she spotted in a shop window or something useful she has already which is very old and needs replacing.

Good luck, keep persevering, and remember MIL’s are for life not just the wedding day!